


Fixation

by anonymousgratification



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Attachment, Character Analysis, Character Study, Compulsion, Obsessive Behavior, Open to Interpretation, Turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 03:36:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17821091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousgratification/pseuds/anonymousgratification
Summary: Damian can't stop wanting more.





	Fixation

**Author's Note:**

> Experimental writing about Damian's attachment to Dick.  
> I don't know how I feel about this one. I was exploring how Damian might be lacking in how to handle his attachment/affections toward someone, and I suppose I went in a grim direction with it.  
> I'd say this is an interpretation of Damian's state of mind when it comes to certain things; difficulties distinguishing between what is and isn't normal concerning his emotions. Also sort of a character study, both on Grayson & Damian.  
> I love you, Dami. Sorry I write you messed up all the time.

Damian knows it’s selfish— he’s been given more than he deserves, more than he ever thought he could receive, but…

Grayson’s full of affection. Full of something warm, something he lacks. Grayson’s something he never could be. 

Grayson runs a hand through his hair, playful, and cracks a joke about the crime they are investigating. Sometimes he strokes his hair softer, when Damian cries; when he can’t hold in the feelings pushed so far down sometimes he forgets they exist. Grayson praises him, says he’s proud and happy; gripping his shoulders and smiling bright. He tells him he missed him, tells him he cares, tells him he’ll be there, that everything will be ok. 

Damian doesn’t believe him. But he wants more. Grayson’s affection is extensive and intricate, shaped around the person he’s administering it to. Damian watches, the way he sometimes grips other shoulders and strokes other hair, but it’s different. Damian doesn’t know how it makes him feel, that Grayson isn't just for him; isn't only his. 

Maybe he wants Grayson to stop. To save his affection for someone else, someone more worthy, or perhaps someone that appreciates… someone that wants such a thing. But, often he finds himself looking forward to the touch, to the contact; to the intimate words that are meant just for him, even if Grayson’s whispered a similar combination to someone else. 

He’s selfish. 

He knows, but he wants more from Grayson. More touch, more love, more affection. Sometimes it staggers into what feels like need, but Damian crushes the thought, penalizing himself internally for allowing it in the first place.

Damian stares at Grayson, the way he smiles, the way it’s sometimes too sharp or too gooey, like dough that’s only holding the shape temporarily. Other times, Grayson has so much to give, so much that it seems like he’d run out of these feelings and emotions he seems to leave a trail of. But, that’s never the case. Damian doesn’t understand. 

He sees Grayson altered sometimes, when Damian watches him; Grayson sure he’s alone. His face falls slightly, but never completely. His shoulders sag a little, his eyebrows tilt downward, and he sighs, short and clipped like he has to get it out but doesn’t want to dwell on it. Damian thinks of speaking up, of saying something so he knows of his presence, yet he doesn’t; just stares and watches Grayson come undone in front of his eyes. 

But, it’s not enough to make him stop wanting. To stop the desperation Damian feels coming out of him and pulling him toward Grayson, anchoring him there. 

He wants to hate him, for giving him these feelings. He used to think it jealously, that Grayson was what he never could be, never was. But, another part of him knows that even if he was raised differently, he may have been the same regardless. 

He tries to expound the feeling. Grayson is different in all the ways he could be. Damian knows blood and feels it, all around him, looming like a second shadow. Sometimes his fingers clench, itching for what he no longer has, what he no longer can do because he knows better. He wishes he didn’t. Or maybe he wishes that knowing somehow made the sensation go away, the sensation of glory; feeling death in his hands like it was made just to be held there. 

Grayson sees more than that. Sometimes he thinks Grayson can see straight through him, eyes going to what's really there. Sometimes he thinks maybe Grayson just avoids it, the person Damian really is; the cracked and jagged pieces of his heart. 

Grayson says he loves him. He tells him so, and Damian knows him well enough; the twisting of his face when he means it and when he doesn’t, and normally Damian gets the right contortion. 

But sometimes there’s something else. Regret, maybe, or guilt. Damian wants to know why, why Grayson feels bad, like there’s an ugliness that he sees when he looks at him. At least Grayson only sees it sometimes. 

His mother only sees person he could've become and _didn't_ , and his father only see the faults he's obtained; the way his life played out before he came, as if Damian had a choice. Maybe he did; maybe he chose wrong. Sometimes he feels responsible, because he expects himself to have known better, even when he was just a child— to somehow fight against the instincts and be capable of something else. 

Grayson never dwelled on that side of him, instead tried urge him in the opposite direction. Damian doesn’t know the depths of Grayson’s disdain or resentment toward him in the beginning, when they first met and worked together. But, Grayson was the first to see past the barriers, to see past the life his mother built for him, the life he was destined to have, the world he was told he was created to change; grasping these promises with small fingers that could barely hold the weight. 

Grayson loved him first. Maybe he’s the only one that still loves him. Maybe that’s why Damian needs— wants him, because Grayson’s the one that cares enough to look past a layer deep; the only person to be able to tug and delve inside him. 

Sometimes he thinks he’s only attached to Grayson for that very reason, because Grayson has a special breed of affection made just for him. Because Grayson _tries_ , because he claims he’ll never stop even though Damian can’t help but not agree with the sentiment. When he attempts thinking of someone else; someone else that could love him and he them, his mind drifts back to a perfect smile shining in front of him, blue eyes muted behind dark tresses, but that doesn’t make them any less beguiling. 

Grayson hugs him, and he tries to fight it but becomes deluged, immersed in the aroma of Grayson surrounding him. He’s trapped against a solid body, ridges of muscle that jut against his. Grayson whispers something to him, and Damian feels the words carving into his body, Grayson’s lips moving along his hair and his neck as he leans down. Damian feels like he’s shaking, shivering at the feeling of this person—so tantalizing and magnificent—but really he’s motionless, stuck in place as Grayson’s words and movements dance around him. 

He feels like asking, almost like begging, for more. He wants more and more and more— and he’s craving and tingling with the iniquitousness he thought he rid himself of. These wicked feelings, sensations; to take and take until he’s full and Grayson’s empty and needs him instead. 

He detests himself, for still being so heinous and broken. He shouldn’t want— shouldn’t need Grayson the way he does. He tries to stop it. He shuts it up and shuts it off.

He’s hungry; starving for affection and attention, but his desires stray only to Grayson. 

Grayson tells him he loves him, and he means it, and Damian doesn’t say anything. He sneers or maybe scoffs a remark, but he doesn’t say it back. 

And when he does, he hates himself, because it makes him more hungry, makes him feel more vacant with what he’s giving to Grayson, with how much he’s giving.

Grayson touches him gently on the head or on the shoulder, and it satiates him, for now. But, he’s not sure how long; how much more he can take until his hunger bleeds through and devours everything— including what he doesn’t want to destroy. 


End file.
